Some fun-loving medical researchers were sitting around the lab counter, strewn with Bunsen burners and Erlemeyer flasks, one day.

Science Guy #1: You know what I love?
Science Guy #2: Jesus?
SG#1: Hell no! I'm a child of the Enlightenment, a man of science and rationality. No, you know what I love? Red wine.
SG#2: Well you know what we should do then?
SG#1: What?
SG#2: Inject a bunch of red wine into some mice.

Clearly. But instead of ransacking their stash of pinots, they just bought a bunch of resveratrol, a naturally occurring compound prevalent in red wine. Then they porked some mice up American-style, giving some of them resveratrol. The unlucky, resveratrol-free mice got fat, lazy, diabetic, and died soon. The reservatrol mice just got fat.

So cheers to our buddy Bacchus! Drink up! But no, the New York Times has to rain on the parade.

"The mice were fed a hefty dose of resveratrol, 24 milligrams per kilogram of body weight. Red wine has about 1.5 to 3 milligrams of resveratrol per liter, so a 150-pound person would need to drink from 1,500 to 3,000 bottles of red wine a day to get such a dose."

Better get started then! That's almost a bottle every 30 seconds. But again, the NYT steps in.

"Whatever good the resveratrol might do would be negated by the sheer amount of alcohol."

Thanks for the warning.